


Take Me By the Hand (While I Try to Understand Us)

by whispered_story



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Banter, First Time, Fluff, Living Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, non-au, set during the filming of season 4, spn_j2_xmas fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:39:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: Accidentally finding a friend's sex toy shouldn't be a big deal. Jared's more than willing to just forget about the whole thing and never talk about it again, and he can't figure out what the hell Jensen is so mad about. And things just seem to be getting worse as Jared tries to fix them. Until they get better. A lot better.





	Take Me By the Hand (While I Try to Understand Us)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WetSammyWinchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WetSammyWinchester/gifts).



> beta'd by [dancing_adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift) ♥
> 
> This is my [spn-j2-xmas](http://spn-j2-xmas.livejournal.com/) fic for [WetSammyWinchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WetSammyWinchester), who asked for: _Jensen has a secret that Jared stumbles over (can be a kink, something emotional or embarrassing). Jared attempts to make things better but only makes it worse (again, angst or fluff on this is fine. I'm good with either)_. I hope you like it, hon! Happy holidays!

Jared whistles happily, grinning at Jensen as they walk off the set. The scene is wrapped and they're on their way back to their trailers – Jensen to wait until they're ready for him for the next scene, and Jared to get his things and go home.

"Done for the day," Jared says with a long sigh. "It feels so nice. Doesn't it feel nice, Jensen?"

"I hate you," Jensen grumbles.

"Sure thing, Ackles," Jared says, his grin getting wider. "You know, I think I'll go home and nap. Maybe take a nice, hot bath."

He stops to stretch, making a show of it, movements all languid and relaxed.

"A bath?" Jensen repeats. "Princess."

Jared doesn't let himself be baited. He catches up with Jensen again, and jostles him with his elbow. "What will you being doing, Jackles?" he asks. "Oh, no, wait. You're not done yet."

"I think I'm going to mess up your trailer while you're gone," Jensen says, shooting him a mock glare. 

Jared laughs. "You know what, forget about the bath. I'll go take a shower in your bathroom and jerk off in there."

Jared watches Jensen flush red, his steps faltering a little, and Jensen hits Jared on the arm. "Dude. I'll kill you," he says. "You're so disgusting sometimes."

"Awww, well, what's a guy to do? You never put out, darling, so I have to take matters into my own hands. Literally," Jared teases. "That's not what I imagined living with you would be like."

"Well, I expected you to be less of a pig. Guess we both got disappointed," Jensen says. "And you better use your afternoon off to clean. The kitchen is a mess."

"Hey, Ackles – remind me again, is it your house or mine?" Jared asks, taking a left between the rows of trailers. He glances back at Jensen and sees Jensen has his eyes narrowed.

Jared can see the tension around his mouth, too, the way he holds himself a little stiffly as he follows Jared. He knows Jared's kidding, at least Jared really hopes he does, but Jared also knows Jensen spends way too much time worrying he's intruding – as if Jared wasn't the one to ask him to move in with him to begin with. He pushed and prodded until Jensen finally agreed not to look for a new place for himself.

"Hey, seriously, how about I get us some steaks and clean the kitchen?" Jared suggests as a peace offering and slows down a little until Jensen falls into step beside him again. He lets his hand rest on Jensen's neck for a moment, squeezing it.

He feels the moment Jensen relaxes again, giving him a nod and a small smile. "Better be a good steak, Padalecki. Rare," he grumbles.

"You got it," Jared says.

*

Jared stops by a store on his way home. Their fridge is usually pretty empty except for the bare essentials because they eat on set or go out more often than not, so he stocks up on food and beer – enough so that they should be good for a few days. Jared's hitting that slump in filming where he's getting tired of always being out, where he's starting to crave staying in to recharge.

Back home, he puts the groceries away before taking Harley and Sadie on a walk. 

When he comes back, he surveys the kitchen. It's not actually that bad, not nearly as messy as Jensen made it sound, but now that they live together, Jared is learning that they have different interpretations of what _clean_ means. So he gets started, putting the dirty dishes from breakfast into the dishwasher, wiping down the counter and sweeping the floor.

It doesn't take too long before he deems the kitchen clean enough – even if Jensen would probably find more things to do.

He decides to make the most of the rest of the afternoon and get some more things done, now that he started. With the hours they work, and the many weekends they spend in L.A., there are plenty of other chores that have been left undone. There's a bunch of big cardboard boxes in the garage from the new gym equipment they bought recently that need to be ripped apart and put in the trash, and Jared hasn't done laundry in way too long either. It's one of his least favorite tasks, but he's starting to run low on underwear and t-shirts, and while he can steal the latter from set, underwear usually isn't something the costume department keeps in stock, so he has to wear his own.

He decides to go look if Jensen has any dirty laundry as well, figuring if he really had hurt Jensen with his comment about the house being his, this should put him back in Jensen's good graces.

Most of Jensen's laundry is in the hamper in his bathroom – unlike Jared's, because Jared tends to just drop his clothes wherever he undresses and leave them there – but there are a couple of shirts lying by his bed as well. Arms already loaded with dirty clothing, Jared carefully bends down to pick those up, too.

His gaze slides over Jensen's bed as he straightens up again, and he stops, does a double take. There, in the middle of Jensen's bed, between bunched up and twisted sheets, is a dildo. Jared just stares at it for a moment, unable to tear his eyes away. It's big, an ugly nude color, and if it's in Jensen's bed then it means Jensen probably used it this morning. On himself.

The thought, the _image_ that prompts in his head, finally makes Jared break out of his stupor and he flushes and grabs the shirts quickly before fleeing the room.

*

Jared hears the front door fall shut and he busies himself checking on the potatoes in the oven, his stomach twisting with a weird feeling, his thoughts flitting back to what he saw in Jensen's bedroom.

He's not a prude; it's not like he's never seen sex toys in his life. So it's really not a big deal. Except it feels like one. Jared doesn't have a lot of experience with sex toys of any kind, personally, and he feels strangely flustered by the fact that Jensen has at least one, that he uses it while Jared is sleeping one floor further upstairs. There's a stupid voice in his head that just won't shut up, makes him keep thing about it, and nerves bubble up inside of him – partially from the stupid curiosity he can't shake and partially from embarrassment.

As close as he and Jensen are, as much stuff as they openly share with one another, knowing what kind of toys Jensen likes to use to get himself off is definitely a little too strange. Too personal.

"You really did clean," Jensen says from the kitchen doorway, looking around the room.

"Yeah, uh," Jared starts, and it comes out all flustered. "Yeah."

Jensen gives him a look. "You okay?" he asks. "Did you do something?"

"What? No!"

"'Cause you have that look on your face," Jensen says, raising his eyebrows. "The one you have when you accidentally break stuff on set or put your foot in your mouth again."

"No," Jared repeats. "Laundry. I did our laundry."

And why did he have to say that? He could have just tried to sneak the clothes into Jensen's room in a couple of days, without him knowing, and Jensen probably wouldn't have noticed. Wouldn't have known Jared was even in his room.

"Did you fuck it up?" Jensen asks, amused. 

"No," Jared huffs. "I didn't do _anything_."

"Well, okay," Jensen says and gives him a small shrug. "Thanks, Jay."

"Welcome," Jared mumbles.

Jensen gives him another look, eyebrows drawn together, but he doesn't ask another question. "Okay, I'll go take a shower and change," he says and when he's gone, Jared closes his eyes and prays Jensen won't realize Jared saw the dildo that's openly on display in his room.

*

Of course, Jared isn't that lucky.

He knows Jensen knows the moment he comes back downstairs. Jensen looks tense, shoulders drawn up a little, face unhappy.

"So. You saw that, huh?" he asks, crossing his arms over his chest. It looks more like he's hugging himself than angry, and Jared frowns a little.

"Yeah," he admits.

Jensen gives a curt nod. "So..."

"Let's just not talk about it, okay? Pretend it never happened," Jared suggests, and Jensen's expression turns a little more steely, his posture going even more stiff.

"Right. Fine," he says, his tone suddenly harsh, and Jared doesn't know what he did wrong. The obvious thing aside, that is. But not talking about it seemed like the best route to take and he isn't sure why it's making Jensen upset.

He doubts Jensen wants to discuss his toys with him, so he thought he'd be doing him a favor. And he doesn't know what to say – he can't take it back, and he can't suggest they talk about it because he'd die from embarrassment if they did. Or even worse, admit that he's been making him think about things he really shouldn't be thinking about, because Jared doesn't know how to shut up sometimes, and the image he has in his head right now and the way it's making him feel isn't something he wants to discuss with Jensen ever, because it's entirely inappropriate. So there's no way they can talk about the huge fucking dildo Jensen apparently likes to use on himself - ever.

*

Dinner is pretty damn weird. They eat in front of the TV, but having something playing in the background has never stopped Jared from talking. Today, especially, he feels the need to fill the silence between them, prattle on as if nothing happened. Jensen hums and gives one word answers in return, but he doesn't reply the way he usually would.

So Jared eventually gets quieter too, not sure what to say to get a conversation between them going.

Jensen gets up and leaves almost as soon as he's finished with his food. "I'm tired," he says, and Jared nods, as if he doesn't know it's not exactly the truth.

*

It's not any better the next day. Jensen is quiet, distant, and Jared's joking earns him nothing more than forced smiles and Jensen tenses whenever Jared gets too close.

Jared hates it and he feels like shit by the time they wrap. He didn't mean to invade Jensen's privacy – they barge into each other's rooms and trailers all the time and it's always been fine. And he was just trying to do something nice; he couldn't have known he'd stumble upon something that wasn't for him to see. 

He doesn't know how to fix it, how to talk about it without making the whole thing even more awkward. But he also can't undo what happened, can't unsee what he saw.

People on set seem to notice that something is off between them, too. 

Over the next couple of weeks, Jared notices the glances they're getting, the way the mood on set slowly shifts, becomes less fun and carefree. It wouldn't be noticeable to strangers, but Jared has no doubt that everyone who has worked on the set for a while knows something is off. And that Jared and Jensen are at the core of it.

He tries to act as if nothing is wrong, though, and Jensen goes along with it too. Not just for the benefit of the cast and crew, but also when they're alone.

Jensen and he still go home together, still have dinner together or watch movies, still talk. They still _live_ together, but it doesn't feel like they do. Jensen is more distant, more careful with him. It reminds Jared a little of the first few weeks. 

As much as they got along right off the bat, it took a little while for Jared to break down Jensen's walls. For things between them to become _real_. They moved on from that quickly, formed a friendship faster than Jared has ever done with anyone else. Jared has been on sets where that didn't happen between the main cast– and those were usually the _good_ sets – and he doesn't want them to be like that, ever.

*

They both go back to L.A. for a weekend, and even though they're on the same flight, it feels like Jared might as well be traveling on his own.

By the time they land, he's ready to throw himself into L.A. life and forget about what things are like in Vancouver. He needs to unwind, needs to get drunk and have fun and not think about Jensen.

Of course, they have pretty much the same friends these days, their social circle having merged, and that means the party Jared goes to that night is a party Jensen is at, as well, but Jared doesn't even care. It's not like he hates Jensen and doesn't want to be around Jensen. The whole problem is that he hates _not_ being around Jensen, not sharing everything with him.

His mood gloomy, Jared goes to grab a drink before saying hi to anyone and it's only when he's downed the first one and refilled the red solo cup in his hand that he goes to mingle. 

Things are okay. Things are fun. Of course, Jared's eyes wander around the room way too often, looking for Jensen, and whenever he does spot him, it becomes hard to concentrate on anything, to not keep glancing at him. 

They say hi, they even chat a little, but then Jensen mumbles something about having to say hello to someone else after a couple of minutes and he's off, and Jared goes to get another drink, his heart aching.

*

"You're an asshole, Padalecki."

Danneel stands in front of Jared with narrowed eyes, arms crossed over her chest, and Jared thinks if they weren't in public, she would probably hit him. As it is, he's glad they're standing in the corner of the room and the music is so loud nobody can overhear them.

"Hey Danneel," he offers carefully.

"Oh, don't 'hey' me," she says.

Jared says. "What the hell did I do?" he asks, because he's a little tipsy and he would really like to know the answer to that question.

"Oh, don't act as if you don't know."

"Danneel..."

"You know what the worst thing about this is? I didn't expect that kinda crap from you," Danneel says. "Hell, deep down Jensen didn't expect it either and he's the most pessimistic person I know."

"I'm sorry. I was trying to do something _nice_ ," Jared says. "It's not like I was snooping."

"It's not about how you found out, Jared," Danneel says, rolling her eyes, her voice so low Jared has to strain to hear her. "It's the fact that you were a homophobic douche about it. And just because Jensen has a dildo it doesn't even have to mean anything. Straight guys can enjoy that too, and why am I even trying to educate you on this when you're clearly a lost cause?"

"A homophobic... you think I have a problem with Jensen being into dudes?" Jared asks. "Wait, _Jensen_ thinks I have a problem with him being into dudes?"

"Well, don't you?" Danneel asks with a huff.

"Oh my god," Jared groans. "I have to talk to Jensen."

"Jared."

"I'll catch you later, Dani," Jared says and brushes past her, eyes roaming the room for Jensen.

*

Jensen is in the middle of a conversation with some guy. Jared thinks he was on Dawson's Creek with Jensen, maybe, but he's not sure. He watched the season Jensen was on, but if he's honest, he fast forwarded the episodes to Jensen's scenes and then he was kinda distracted by Jensen, because he's just so damn _good_.

"Sorry," he interrupts, coming to stop by Jensen's side. "I need to borrow Jensen for a second."

"Jared," Jensen says, tone warning.

"It's really important," Jared says and curls his hand around Jensen's arm, tugging at it. Jensen doesn't look happy, his jaw twitching in a way Jared knows means he's angry, but he doesn't say anything and follows Jared.

There aren't a lot of places to go to talk privately, and Jared doesn't want to sneak into one of the bedrooms upstairs – he's learned his lessons about barging into bedrooms without permission. The bathroom upstairs is empty, though, door cracked open, and Jared leads Jensen in there, closing and locking the door behind them.

"Jared, what the hell?" Jensen hisses, glaring at him.

"We need to talk," Jared says, and with nowhere else to go, he leans against the sink.

"Jared," Jensen says. "Can we not do this here, please?"

"No," Jared says and shakes his head. "Shit, Jen, you think I'm a homophobe?"

Jensen gives him an uncomfortable look before glancing away, shrugging his shoulders

"Jensen," Jared says, more quietly. "That's not... I don't give a crap about who you're into."

"Could have fooled me," Jensen says. "You find a dildo in my bed and you get all weird and freaked out. Doesn't exactly scream 'accepting of my sexuality'."

"I wasn't freaked out," Jared argues. "And dude, you told me you were into guys months ago, so that doesn't even make sense."

Jensen looks a little stunned for a moment, then he frowns. "No, I didn't."

Jared laughs. "Yeah, you did. Earlier this year, after we wrapped last season's finale."

"What? I think I'd remember that, Jared," Jensen says, crossing his arms over his chest, but he doesn't look quite as tense as before anymore.

"You were drunk as hell," Jared admits.

Jensen is silent for a moment, looking a little wide-eyed now. "Did I really tell you?" he asks.

"Yes," Jared says. "You really did."

"You never told me," Jensen says softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You asked me not to 'tell Jared'," Jared says, making air quotes. He gives Jensen a small smile and watches Jensen's cheeks get red.

"God, just how drunk was I?"

Jared shrugs. "I don't know. I just... figured maybe you weren't ready to talk about it with me. And you didn't bring it up again."

"So, you didn't tell me I told you."

"Yeah," Jared says. "I'd figured you'd tell me when you were ready and sober. So, the whole you figuring out you're bi thing? I was cool with it then, and I'm cool with it now."

Jensen rubs a hand over his face. "Oh Jesus, Jared. I'm sorry."

"'s okay."

Jensen bites down onto his bottom lip. "It's not. I jumped to conclusions, when I should have known better," he says. "I just... I guess this is what I was scared of, that someone I'm close to wouldn't be okay with it, so I made stupid assumptions when you were... acting weird."

Jared shrugs, flushing. "It wasn't about that, Jen."

"What was it about?"

Jared ducks his head. "Uh, well, you have to admit the whole thing was pretty damn awkward," he says, feeling his cheeks starting to flush now, just thinking about it. "I stumbled upon your freaking _dildo_ , Jensen."

"Really?" Jensen asks. "Come on. If the whole gay thing doesn't bother you, then it's not really a big deal, right? It's just a toy – everyone uses those."

Jared shrugs, flustered. 

"Dude, have you never used toys?" Jensen asks, and he sounds so amused Jared hates him a little. "Not even _with_ someone?"

"No," Jared says. "I've... seen them. In porn and stuff. But I've never used any."

"Are you kidding me? Seriously?" Jensen asks.

Jared shakes his head. "It's not that weird, okay?" he mutters.

"No... I mean, of course not, Jay. I'm just surprised," Jensen says. "Never?"

"I... I may have asked a girl I was dating and she really wasn't into it. Broke up with me a day later," he says. He doesn't tell Jensen that he asked the girl if she would use a dildo on him and that the way she'd reacted had pretty much scared him off bringing up toys with his girlfriends ever again. Sandy and he tried handcuffs once, but she hated it. And that's as crazy as Jared's sex life has ever gotten and it's never been bad, but standing here with Jensen suddenly makes him feel incredibly inexperienced.

"Oh, man. Sorry, Jay, that sucks," Jensen says. 

"Yeah, well, it was what it was," Jared tries to brush it off and pushes himself away from the sink, straightening. "Can we stop talking about my lack of experience while we're in a bathroom at some party?"

"You dragged me in here," Jensen points out.

"Yeah, but not to talk about my sex life," Jared agrees and then looks at Jensen, the way he finally looks relaxed for the first time in weeks, a small smiling playing on his lips. "Are we okay?"

"We're okay," Jensen says. And when Jared takes a small step closer, Jensen reaches for him and pulls him into his arms.

"Fuck, Jay," he murmurs, and Jared knows that's his way of saying they should never do this again.

"Yeah," he replies and hugs Jensen a little more tightly.

"Couldn't have picked a less weird place for this, huh?" Jensen asks against his shoulder, and Jared laughs.

*

They fly back home on Sunday morning, early enough that they get in and have a few hours left to prepare for shooting the next day and have some dinner.

Afterward, they both get comfortable on the couch. Jared reads his script once more – Jensen and he have always prepared differently for shooting, Jared reading the script over and over until he's got it memorized and Sam's actions laid out clearly in his head. While he studies his lines, sitting sideways at one end of the couch, feet up and script resting against his knees, Jensen is sitting at the other end, messing around on his phone and texting people.

Eventually, Jared nudges him with his foot, wiggling his toes into the space between Jensen's thigh and the couch.

"Texting anyone exciting?"

"Chris. And Mackenzie."

"Oh," Jared says, because that's not the answer he was expecting. The way Jensen has been typing, almost without break, he wasn't expecting it to be _Chris_ , who isn't exactly the most talkative person.

"Why? What were you thinking?" Jensen asks, smiling at him.

"You know, a guy or something."

"Chris is a guy," Jensen teases and Jared huffs.

"You know what I mean."

"Well, there is no guy right now. Or girl," Jensen says and shrugs.

"Why not?" Jared asks, looking curiously at Jensen. "I mean, you were kinda rambling a lot when you came out, but you said you and Danni broke up because you wanted to explore this whole being with guys thing. I figured, you know, you'd have met someone by now."

"The more you tell me about that night, the more embarrassing it gets."

Jared snorts. "Nah, you fine. Drunk and talking a lot, but you're cute when you're drunk."

"Jared," Jensen mutters, blushing a little.

"In a manly way," Jared corrects and wiggles his toes again. "So. If you wanna explore things with guys, shouldn't you date?"

"It's not that easy," Jensen says, sounding a little pained.

"The way you look, it can't be that hard either," Jared replies and Jensen's lips twitch up into a small smile.

"Shut up," he says. "I just... don't have any intention of getting myself outed. Makes meeting guys kinda difficult."

"Huh, yeah, I suppose it would," Jared says. "You'll find someone."

"Thanks, Jay," Jensen says with a genuine smile and Jared hums.

*

They go out for drinks and greasy bar food the following Saturday.

Jared still feels a little guilty for what happened between them – even if Jensen was the one who jumped to the wrong conclusions, he feels like the whole mess was his fault. 

He's also been making an effort at being better at respecting Jensen's privacy, knocking instead of barging into his room or trailer without asking. And he's trying to be conscious of the things he says a bit more, so he doesn't accidentally say anything that Jensen could read as him not being fully supportive of Jensen's sexuality. 

"Next round's on me," Jared says, wiping his fingers on a napkin.

"First two rounds were on you, too," Jensen points out, looking at Jared from across their little table with raised eyebrows.

"Well, tonight's my turn. You can buy drinks next time we go out."

"Jared," Jensen starts with a little sigh.

"Please?" Jared says, giving Jensen his best pleading look. 

"Fine," Jensen agrees. "Just... you know you don't have to, right? We're good. You have nothing to make up for."

"Stop being so damn perceptive, Ackles," Jared complains. He gets up and slaps Jensen on the arm before making his way to the bar.

He catches the bartender's attention and holds up two fingers. "Another round of beer for us and some peanuts, if you have any," he calls and when the bartender nods, Jared leans against the bar and waits.

After a few moments, a guy leans in next to him. "Hey."

"Hi," Jared says, smiling, expecting the guy to ask for an autograph or a picture. They can go out without being bothered by a horde of people, but they do usually get recognized by a few fans here and there.

"I'm Cam," the guy says, holding out his hand. Jared takes it and gives it a quick shake.

"Jared."

"Jared," the guy repeats, smiling widely at him. He's a good-looking guy, Jared notes absently, with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "Nice to meet you. Sorry if I'm being too blunt, but can I maybe buy you a drink? I just... noticed you."

"Oh. Oh, I'm not," Jared says, eyes widening. "Sorry, that's real nice of you. But I'm not into guys. And I'm here with a friend."

He nods at his table and Cam follows his gaze. Jensen's looking down at his phone, the light of the screen reflecting on his face, and nobody looks good basked in the blueish light of a phone, but Jensen looks goddamn beautiful. 

Jared tears his gaze away and watches as the guy's eyes widen. 

"Man. What are you two – models?"

Jared smirks. "Nah. Well, my friend _has_ done some modeling, but that's something he'd rather not be reminded of because the shit was embarrassing as hell."

Cam laughs. "Good to know. Well, sorry for barking up the wrong tree, but I had to try," he says. "You and your friend have a good night."

"You too, man," Jared replies and gives him a nod.

The bartender slides two beers and the peanuts across the bar to Jared a few moments later and Jared pays before he gets back to the table. 

"Thanks, man," Jensen says, accepting the beer.

Jared nods and takes a long pull from his bottle before setting it down. "So," he says. "See the blond guy by the bar, with the light blue shirt?"

Jensen glances at the bar and nods.

"He just tried to hit on me," Jared says. "Maybe you could go talk to him? 'Cause, you know..."

"'Cause we're both into guys, so obviously we must be into each other?" Jensen asks, a bit of a bite to his tone.

Jared frowns. "No, Jensen. I'm not... god, why do I always come across like an asshole lately?" he asks. "I just thought... he's cute and he seemed really nice. And he thinks you're really attractive."

Jensen looks mollified. "Sorry," he says.

"Me too," Jared says. "You think we need couple's therapy for, like, friends?"

Jensen laughs. "No."

"Really? Because it's becoming a pattern, me saying the wrong thing and you misinterpreting it."

"I'll try to stop misinterpreting things," Jensen says a little sheepishly and Jared gives him a crooked smile.

"I'll try to stop saying the wrong thing," he replies. "I was born with the 'foot in mouth' disease though, so it's not gonna be easy."

"Jay, I've known you for more than three years. I _know_."

"Okay," Jared says. "So, still a no on the cute guy?"

"Yeah. Hooking up with some guy you meet at a bar has 'how to be outed by a one-night-stand in the tabloids' written all over it," Jensen says, shaking his head. "And I just wanna hang and have a few drinks with you."

"It's not gonna get you laid."

"Don't I know it," Jensen mutters and Jared grins at him.

*

Jared is pulling his boxer-briefs up his legs when the door to his trailer opens with a crash.

"Jar--" 

Jared quickly pulls the underwear the rest of the way up before turning to face Jensen, who is looking at him with slightly wide eyes, his cheeks starting to color.

"Shit, sorry," he says and hastily pulls the door shut behind him.

"It's fine. Nothing you haven't seen before, right?" Jared says, even though he feels his own cheeks starting to burn. 

"Yeah," Jensen admits. "But I should have knocked. I've been so used to not doing that, it's gonna take me a while to remember."

"No, you... Jensen, you don't need to knock. I don't care," Jared says, shaking his head. The thought of Jensen feeling like he has to tread carefully around him, like he can't come in and demand Jared's instant attention, the way he's gotten used to, feels wrong. He likes it – likes that Jensen feels comfortable enough to do it, and he likes giving him his attention. The moment Jensen walks into a room, everything else stops mattering to Jared anyway and there are very few things Jensen could walk in on that he'd really be embarrassed by – and Jared locks the door for those.

"You've been doing it," Jensen points out.

"Because I'm an idiot with no boundaries of personal space who barges in on people and sees things he shouldn't be seeing." 

"How is that different from what I just did?"

"I don't mind if you see me naked," Jared explains, shrugging.

"No?"

"Of course not," Jared scoffs. "Plus, I have a great ass. I'm proud to show it off."

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Idiot," he mumbles. 

"Whatever, you love me," Jared says.

"I tolerate you," Jensen corrects. "And for the record, you don't need to knock for my benefit either. I don't mind."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Jared," Jensen says. "Absolutely. Okay? Nothing's changed."

"Okay, cool. 'Cause I don't mind seeing you naked either," Jared says and then realizes how that sounds. "I mean, I'm cool with it. I don't have a problem with you being naked. Be naked around me as much as you want. Jesus, I'm shutting up now."

Jensen laughs, but he looks a little flushed. "Yeah, you do that. And maybe get dressed."

Jared looks down at himself, still in nothing but his underwear, and gives a quick nod. "Good idea," he agrees and grabs the pair of jeans he laid out on the couch. The clothes he was wearing while shooting – including his underwear – are lying in a heap, soaked through and through from the rain they were filming in, on the floor.

"So, uh, did you need anything?" he asks, pulling on a shirt next. 

"Just wanted to tell you the car is ready, so we can go home," Jensen says. "Didn't know you weren't ready yet, slowpoke. What the hell have you been doing?"

"Jerking off," Jared replies without missing a beat, sticking his tongue out. 

Jensen chokes a little, and Jared is almost concerned, before the sound turns into a laugh.

*

In the car, Jared leans in and whispers behind his hand, "Think things will stop being awkward between us anytime soon?"

"We're working on it, right?" Jensen murmurs and knocks his shoulder against Jared.

"You guys got secrets from me?" Clif, their driver, asks from the front, craning his head back a little.

Jared grins at him. "Nah, just whispering sweet nothings into Jensen's ear. You know how we are."

Clif laughs, and when Jared looks at Jensen he finds his cheeks are pink. He thought they had absolutely no shame around each other, but they've been blushing around each other an awful lot lately. And while Jared hates it on himself, he can't help but think that Jensen looks kinda good with his cheeks flushed like that.

For a brief second, Jared wonders if that's what Jensen looks like in bed, and it shoots a flash of heat through him. Quickly, he forces himself to think about something else – anything that doesn't involve Jensen. He shouldn't be having these kind of thoughts about Jensen and he really isn't sure what's been wrong with him lately.

Jensen meets his eyes and Jared forces a wide smile onto his face.

*

"You know, I think there are several guys on the crew who are gay," Jared says over take-out dinner in front of the TV that night.

"Seriously?" Jensen asks, his tone a little exasperated. He puts his take-out down and looks at Jared.

"What?"

"You need to stop playing matchmaker for me, Jay," Jensen says pointedly. "I can get my own dates."

"Obviously not," Jared notes and then looks a little sheepish.

"Gee, thanks," Jensen snarks. "Why is it so important to you that I date someone?"

Jared chews carefully, slower than necessary, but you're supposed to chew your food at least thirty times so he's just being _healthy_ and not buying himself some time. "I want you happy. You're my best friend," he finally says. _And maybe if you date someone, I'll stop having inappropriate thoughts about you,_ the traitorous voice in his head adds.

"Well, no one from work," Jensen tells him with a shake of his head. "Been there, done that, and it ended up being a horrible mess."

"You and Danneel were fine. I mean, you're broken up now, but you know what I mean." Jared shifts, pulling his legs up onto the couch and turning to face Jensen better.

"We were friends long before we worked together. That was different," Jensen points out. "And Danneel is special – I mean, geez, how many girls would be okay if their ex-boyfriend told them he's bi?"

"Is that why you broke up? Because you figured out you wanted to be with guys, too?" Jared asks, because it's something he's been genuinely curious about. Jensen and Danneel seemed like a pretty solid couple, and it came pretty out of the blue when they broke up. Jensen was upset about it, but not nearly as upset as Jared thought he would be and the only explanation Jensen ever gave him was that they were better off as friends. When Jensen, drunkenly, came out to him a couple of months later, Jared wondered if that had anything do with it, but he could never ask until now.

"I don't know. It was part of it," Jensen says, sounding thoughtful. "We were good together, comfortable. I think it would have been one of those things where, if we'd stayed together, we would have been happy with each other. But we both agreed maybe we could be even happier with someone else – that we wanted more than what we had together."

"That makes sense," Jared says. "I mean, I wondered, 'cause you were still so close. But I guess, sometimes, things can be good but still not meant to be."

"Yeah? 'Cause sometimes I wonder if I'm not just a huge idiot for letting her go. That I might never find someone as good as her," Jensen admits. "But I think I always would have wondered if I'd never at least tried something with a guy, and I told Danneel that. We had a pretty long conversation about it, actually. I guess... I've always been curious about guys. I tried not to be, told myself I couldn't be into guys if I was obviously into girls as well. And then, when I realized I was bullshitting myself, I figured why kick up a fuss if I could be happy with a girl and that it'd be better to just ignore that part of me."

"For how long did you know?"

Jensen sighs. "I was fourteen when I had my first serious crush on a guy. But I think it was always there, kinda. It... kinda messed with my head for a pretty long time, 'cause I thought it was wrong."

"Jesus, Jensen." Jared puts his food down and slides his hand around Jensen's neck, cupping it and pulling him gently against him. "Well, you figured things out eventually and you're okay with it now."

"Yeah," Jensen says and Jared hugs him for a moment, before letting go.

"Have you, uh, dated guys since the break-up?"

"A little. Nothing that lasted more than a handful of dates."

"Huh," Jared says and his stomach twists a little at the thought of Jensen with another guy. He has no right to feel that way, nor a reason to. But damn if he doesn't anyway.

For the second time that day, Jared plasters on a fake smile for Jensen. "So, if work is out and bars are out, where the hell do you meet guys?" he asks. 

"Damn if I know," Jensen says.

*

Danneel visits Jensen in Vancouver a couple of weeks later. Jensen goes to meet her at the airport straight from work and they go out for dinner together. He invites Jared, too, but Jared tells him he's tired. In all honesty, he just doesn't want to intrude. Jensen and Danneel might not be a couple anymore, but they're still really close and don't get to see each other a lot. And sometimes, Jared doesn't really know what to say to Danneel – he likes her, she's a great girl, but being with her and Jensen has always made him feel a little weird, a little left out.

So he goes home, has some dinner and calls his mom. He watches some TV and reads next week's script, and then ends up going to bed early, before Jensen and Danneel are back.

The next morning, after he comes back from his run and has his shower, Jared strolls into the kitchen in just a pair of loose shorts and decides to be a good host, even if Danneel is Jensen's guest, and make breakfast for all of them. He makes coffee first, pours himself a cup, and then searches the fridge for food he can make.

"Morning," Danneel says, wandering in.

"Morning," Jared says. "Hi. Good to see you again."

He goes to give her a hug, but it feels a little awkward. "You guys had fun last night?" he asks, to make conversation.

"Yeah. Dinner was great and we went and had a few drinks afterward," she says. "I missed this city."

"Yeah, been a while," Jared agrees. "Uh, want some coffee?"

"I can get it," Danneel says, nodding. Jared watches her pour herself a cup, still standing by the open fridge. When Danneel shoots him a look, Jared clears his throat and pushes the door of the fridge shut.

"So, uh, last time we saw each other... well, I'm sure Jensen told you, right? That it was just a misunderstanding?" he starts.

Danneel shoots him a smile. "Yeah. Don't worry. I no longer think you're a homophobic asshole. Now you're just an asshole."

The words make Jared stop and he frowns at her. "What?"

Danneel rolls her eyes. "Come on, Jay."

"Come on, what? What have I done now?"

Danneel gestures at him. "You're a tease."

Jared looks down at himself. "I'm... you're bothered I'm shirtless?" he asks. "I'm sorry. I'll go put something on."

"No, moron. I mean, you're pretty and everything, but I'm strong enough to resist you," Danneel says with an amused grin. "Jensen, though…"

"Jensen what?" Jared asks.

"Jared, babe, you can't be that clueless," Danneel says. "Jensen finally comes to terms with his sexuality and is ready to explore it, and here you are, all gorgeous and shirtless and always touching him. And all the damn flirting you two do. Can't you see how you're maybe sending mixed signals here?"

"We don't flirt," Jared says, because really? He's never flirted with Jensen and Jensen sure as hell has never flirted with him.

"You've been flirting with each other since the day you met, Jared. I mean, Jesus, when Jensen asked me out for the first time I thought he was asking as a friend because I was so damn sure you two were a thing," Danneel says. "I didn't realize it was a date until he asked if he could kiss me."

Jared gives Danneel a look. "That's ridiculous," he says.

"Dude, do you know how many people I know who thought you guys were dating? People you're both friends with, who _know_ you?" Danneel asks. "A lot of them. 'Cause you flirt more than anyone I know."

"Fine, say it's true – even though it's not – then Jensen is doing it, too," Jared points out. "So why am I the asshole?"

"You're straight. Jensen isn't," Danneel says. "And you're making it really hard for him not to crush on you."

"I'm not trying to do that," Jared argues. "I'm not doing anything."

"I know. And I'm not trying to be mean. You're not _really_ an asshole, Jared," Danneel says. "I just want him to be happy."

"Me too," Jared says, and Danneel smiles.

"Then maybe think about what I said, okay?" Danneel asks, and Jared gives her a slow nod.

*

Jared can't help do anything _but_ think about Danneel's words.

But instead of having the desired effect, all it does is make his stomach flutter. The thought of Jensen liking him doesn't put him off – if anything, it excites him, makes him want to strut around like a douchebag because he's so damn pleased.

He wants Jensen to like him, he realizes. And he doesn't want Jensen to like other guys, not really. 

Jared's never examined it too closely, but since the day they met there's been something special between them. It's not just instant chemistry, it's not just having a lot in common – since day one, Jared has craved Jensen's attention, has reveled in his affection, his friendship. And Jared isn't a possessive guy, but Jensen has always felt like his. His ally, his partner in crime, his best friend – the person that, at the end of the day, would pick him over anyone else. They were too close – Jared knows that, knows it's one of the main reasons his relationship with Sandy didn't work out in the end. She wasn't his number one, and she needed to be, deserved to be. But Jared never thought too hard about it, just accepted what he and Jensen had for what it was.

And now that Jared makes himself examine it, makes himself think about it, he has to admit that that's a little weird. That maybe there's something there that isn't just friendship – not on either side.

Jared's always considered himself straight, though, and maybe that should be a problem, but even that doesn't really bother him much. He's always been a bit curious about anal sex, he'd just never thought of having it with a _guy_. 

But the thought of having sex with Jensen, well, it certainly doesn't turn him off.

While Danneel and Jensen have another night out, Jared locks his bedroom door, crawls into bed and wastes no time sliding a hand down his boxer-briefs. He thinks of Jensen deliberately, to test himself, and it makes his heart beat so fast in his chest he thinks he might pass out. He goes from soft to hard embarrassingly fast and his moan sounds loud and broken in his own ears as he starts jerking himself off to thoughts of Jensen. Of his mouth, his ass, his cock, which he has gotten a few glimpses of over the years. Thoughts of Jensen touching him, kissing him, of having Jensen on top of him, all hard muscles and smooth skin instead of soft curves, and Jared comes all too quickly with a hoarse cry.

No, sex with Jensen really would not be a problem at all. And that means that there _is_ no problem – other than the fact that Jared is apparently completely gone for his best friend.

*

"You think we can grab a quick bite to eat before we have to head out?" Jensen asks, clicking his seat belt into place.

Jared let's his eyes linger on the sprawl of Jensen's legs, and the pair of jeans that fits him really, really well. "Head out?" he asks.

"It's Donny's birthday?" Jensen prompts. "We're heading to the bar to celebrate, remember?"

"Oh," Jared says, and nods, though he only vaguely remembers Donny mentioning going out tonight. 

Donny is one of the guys from lighting. They're not friends with him, but they're _friendly_ , and it's a Friday night anyway. It's not uncommon for them to go out with the crew sometimes, especially for birthdays. 

Jared thought, hoped, they would have a night in, watch a movie and have a few drinks. Hang out, just Jensen and him. But he doesn't have a good reason to ask Jensen to stay in with him instead of going out – especially if it's someone's birthday. They've always made an effort to hang out with the crew, to not be the kind of actors who pretend the crew is below them, because they're not. And some of Jared's best friends in Vancouver are crew members. Donny might not be one of them, might not be someone Jared considers a buddy, but he knows they still owe it to him to show up for a while, to have a few drinks and mingle.

"Yeah, let's grab some food first," he finally agrees, and Jensen gives him an amused smile.

"You're pretty out of it, huh? We'll only stay for a couple of hours, dude, promise," he says.

*

The thing about Donny that Jared forgot is that he's one of the crew members who is openly gay.

Which means some of his friends that show up at the bar that night are gay as well, including a guy Jensen apparently knows from the set of Smallville. Not that he, or Jensen, come right out and tell Jared he's gay, but Jared isn't blind. He might not have seen what's been right in front of him for three and a half years, but he can definitely tell when someone is trying to hit on Jensen. The way this guy – Ricky – leans into him, touches his arm, laughs at every damn thing Jensen says. It's not exactly subtle.

And Jared's not exactly happy about it.

Because Ricky isn't a co-worker and he's not a random dude at a bar, and that means he falls into the category of guys Jensen would potentially date.

Jared goes to order a shot.

*

"Hey," Jensen says, leaning into Jared's side. "What are you doing all by yourself at the bar?"

"Nothing."

"That tired?" Jensen asks, voice quiet, a little concerned.

Jared shrugs, then shakes his head. "You and Ricky seem to get along really well," he says, and it's not very casual, but fuck it.

Jensen gives him an amused look. "Are you trying to play matchmaker again?"

"No," Jared says, looking down at the beer in his hand. "No, I'm really, really not."

"You got a problem with Ricky then?" Jensen asks.

Jared shrugs. "I don't know the guy," he says.

"So, you don't know him, but you don't want me to hook up with him," Jensen says. "Yet you wanted to set me up with some totally random dude at a bar just a few weeks ago?"

"That was then, this is now," Jared says vaguely. He's not drunk, not even tipsy, but he's had just enough to drink to talk without thinking.

"What's different now, Jay?" It sounds more like a challenge than a genuine question, and Jared realizes that Jensen already knows the answer.

"I don't want you to hook up with him," he says. "I don't want you to hook up with anybody, Jensen."

Jensen nods, slowly. "Jay, you think maybe we should take this outside?" he asks. "You know, to talk privately?"

Jared nods, and Jensen gives him a smile, curling his hand casually around Jared's arm as he starts leading him towards the bar's exist. 

Outside it's chilly, the cool air making Jared shiver a little. There are some people milling around, chatting, some leaving and some coming. Muffled noises and music can be heard from the bar, but it's still a lot more quiet here and it makes Jared's ears ring a little. 

Jensen lets go of him as they step out and Jared tries not to draw any attention to himself as he follows Jensen. 

They duck into an alley, and Jensen stops. 

"I'm not reading this wrong, right?" he asks.

"Oh fuck, no. You're really not," Jared replies. 

Jensen opens his mouth, as if to say more, but then he just curls his fist in the front of Jared's shirt, tugging him in as he tilts his head up. The invitation is more than clear and Jared meets him halfway. The angle is a little wrong at first, but then he shifts and then Jensen shifts, and it gets better. 

Jensen's lips are soft, warm, and Jared finds himself pressing closer, wanting more, and they end up with Jensen's back pressed against the wall. Jensen makes a small noise against his mouth, not quite a whimper but close enough that Jared feels his stomach dip, makes him kiss Jensen more deeply, more needily, hands coming to rest on Jensen's hips. Jensen wraps his own around Jared's neck, drags him in even closer. The first touch of their tongues, Jensen's mouth open under his, has Jared shuddering, hands tightening on Jensen.

He makes a disappointed noise when, after a few more moments, Jensen gently pushes him away by the shoulders.

"Jared," he murmurs.

"What?" Jared asks and tries to lean in for another kiss, but Jensen turns his head away with a small laugh.

"We're in public," he reminds Jared.

"Let's go home then," Jared suggests and slides his hands around Jensen, fingers slipping under his shirt.

"I want to," Jensen starts, "but let's go back inside, stay a little longer."

"Why?" Jared leans in, nuzzles Jensen's neck and sighs. "God, I want you."

Jensen grabs his upper arms, squeezing. "It's early. It'd be rude to leave," he says. "Just a little longer. We should at least talk to the birthday boy for a moment."

"Fine," Jared agrees with a small sigh and pulls back. Then he leans back in, steals another kiss until Jensen laughs against his mouth and pushes him away again.

"No more of that, mister," he says, tone mock-warning, but he's grinning widely. He looks happy. "Come on, I'll buy you a drink."

*

Jared's never been one to be patient, to enjoy the built-up, when he wants something.

Which is why being in the bar with Jensen so close, but not being able to touch him the way he wants to, to kiss him again is _hell_. 

By the time they get home, Jared is feeling giddy and keyed-up and itching to get his hands on Jensen. He waits until the door has fallen shut behind them and then he backs Jensen up against the wall, kisses him with a smile still on his lips. He's definitely more tipsy than he was earlier in the alley, and he's definitely more sloppy than before, and Jared isn't sure where to put his hands, because he wants to put them everywhere.

"Jared," Jensen murmurs, and Jared can feel him grin. He keeps kissing Jensen, returning his grin, and it feels a little ridiculous, the way they're both smiling, but god, he's happy.

When Jared slides his lips from Jensen's mouth along his jaw, sucking and nipping his way to Jensen's throat, Jensen sighs.

"Jared," he repeats. "Baby."

Jared shudders, the word making his head spin a little.

"Jay, stop," Jensen says.

Jared freezes and pulls back, and it takes a moment before Jensen comes into focus. "What?"

"We're drunk," Jensen says.

"Tipsy," Jared corrects.

Jensen smiles, slow and easy, and it settles some of the worry in Jared. "Fine, tipsy. Doesn't matter – we shouldn't be doing more than this until we're both completely sober and have talked about this."

"You wanted us to drink more," Jared points out.

"Yeah. And now I don't want us to rush into this tonight, Jay," Jensen says. "Okay? Can we do that, for me?"

"Okay," Jared agrees, and he knows it's the smart thing to do. He might not be drunk, but he's definitely feeling the alcohol. "Can I still kiss you?"

"Fuck yes," Jensen says, grinning.

"'n can I sleep in your bed?" Jared continues, leaning in and brushing his lips against Jensen's jaw. "Please?"

"Jay."

"Wanna keep kissing you," Jared mumbles against Jensen's skin. "Wanna fall asleep with you and wake up with you, so I know this really happened."

Jensen shifts, turns his head. "C'mere," he says in a rough voice and kisses Jared again.

*

Jared wakes up with his head on Jensen's shoulder, face smushed against his neck, legs tangled. The feel of Jensen against him, the way he smells, it's all so damn familiar yet so startlingly new and it makes Jared's stomach flip.

He peels himself away from Jensen carefully, too hot under the sheets with another body this close, and settles his head down on the pillow with a sigh, smiling. Jensen makes a disgruntled sound, and Jared watches him wake up, the way his eyes flutter and he licks his lips, shifting his body before stretching as he blinks his eyes open.

"Morning," Jared whispers.

Jensen hesitates for only a split second before he turns his body towards Jared's. "Morning," he replies. He looks at Jared with sleepy, half-lidded eyes, and Jared knows he's waiting, gauging. Always a bit hesitant, careful, never putting himself on the line when he knows he could end up being hurt.

Knowing he has to be the one to make the first move, Jared reaches out and runs the tips of his fingers down Jensen's jaw before brushing a soft kiss against his lips.

"No regrets then?" Jensen asks when Jared draws back, smiling softly.

"Zero," Jared says. "You?"

Jensen's smile gets wider. "Zero," he echoes and then yawns. 

Jared grins. "Let me go make some coffee, huh?"

"Trying to get away?"

Jared kisses his cheek. "No. But I've tried to talk to you before you had your coffee. I'd rather not have you try to rip my head off today."

"Funny," Jensen says.

"One of my many talents," Jared says. He gets out of bed, stretching, and Jensen makes a low, appreciative sound.

"I think I don't mind waking up as much as you think I do right now," he says, teasing, and Jared smiles at him despite the blush that he can feel spreading over his cheeks. 

He goes to make coffee and lets the dogs outside into the backyard, watching them run around for a while. When the coffee is done, he pours them both a mug and adds sugar and cream into his before he carefully carries the mugs upstairs.

He crawls back into bed and they sit up against the headboard. Jensen takes a sip of coffee, humming.

"This is good," he says, after a few more gulps. "Thanks, Jay."

"No problem," Jared says and runs a finger over the rim of his mug, feeling the damp, hot steam against his skin. "So, you wanted to talk, right?"

"We should," Jensen says and gives Jared a small smile. "I'd rather be doing other things, but yeah."

Jared snorts and nods, finally taking his first sip of coffee.

"Have you ever thought about being with guys, Jay?" Jensen says. "Not that it matters, but I need to know what this is, where I stand. I can't be... well, an _experiment_."

"Dude, Jensen, I'd never do that. Not with _you_ ," Jared says and nudges his leg against Jensen's, resting it there, because he needs some contact, can't not touch Jensen in some shape or form. "But, no, I guess I haven't really thought about guys like this before. I think I never even considered that I might enjoy being with a guy, so I never gave it any thought. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, kinda," Jensen says and smiles encouragingly. "But you want this? Are you sure?"

Jared looks at Jensen – Jensen, who means so damn much to him, who left him craving him more than Jared has ever craved anyone after their kiss last night, who, now that Jared has thought about it, he can't imagine not wanting. "I'm sure."

"Okay," Jensen says, his smile getting wider, but softer at the same time. "We can take this slow. Work up to, you know, things."

"If you can't say it, Jensen, you probably shouldn't be doing it," Jared teases, and laughs at the glare Jensen sends him. "And nah, I'm cool with it."

"You are?" Jensen asks. "'Cause I get it. First time I did anything with a guy, it kinda felt like a big deal to me. Made me feel pretty damn nervous."

Jared shrugs. "I'm sure I'll be a bit nervous when we get around to sex, but not in a bad way, I think," he says. "I want this, Jensen. I want you."

He puts his coffee mug down on the nightstand and then takes Jensen's half-empty one from his hands as well. "We're done talking now, right?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Good," Jared says. He swings his leg over Jensen's thighs – less gracefully than he hoped he would, with the sheets tangled around him – and settles down on his lap, smiling as he takes Jensen's face between his hands and kisses him 

He almost expects Jensen to protest, to need more verbal confirmation of what they're doing and how Jared really does want this, but Jensen just makes a small sound and rests his hands on Jared's thighs. 

Jared swipes his tongue over Jensen's bottom lip, his stomach flipping when Jensen easily parts his mouth under his, welcomes him in. Their tongues drag together slowly, wet and hot, the slide perfect. 

It's just a kiss, but it's a kiss with Jensen, and Jared feels his cock start to fill. 

"Jen," he murmurs, biting at Jensen's lip before pulling away, a little breathless. He rolls his hips forward, lets Jensen feel him, and moans lowly. Jensen is half-hard, too, and his hands slide back, curve around the swell of Jared's ass. Jared rocks down against him, once, twice more, want slowly giving way to sharp need.

"This okay?" Jensen murmurs, and squeezes Jared's ass, drags him down against him.

"More than," Jared answers and his mouth finds Jensen's again. 

Their kisses steadily get deeper, dirty, and the roll of Jared's hips less smooth, as he pushes their hard cocks together.

When Jensen pushes his hands down the back of Jared's boxer-briefs, bare, warm hands settling on naked skin, Jared lets out a whimper. He tears his mouth from Jensen, gasps for breath, and then lets his forehead thunk against Jensen's shoulder.

"Baby," he pants. "Oh fuck yes, baby."

Jensen squeezes, kneads, and Jared is writhing on top of him now, feels his orgasm build. 

"Fuck, you're hot," Jensen hisses, grinding up against Jared. The tips of his fingers graze Jared's crack, slip in just so, grasping, spreading his cheeks apart a little, and Jared comes with a cry, shuddering with the pleasure of the orgasm that rips through him. 

Jensen pulls him impossibly closer, bites at Jared's neck, the pain making Jared moan brokenly, and rubs himself against Jared. Hazily, Jared feels Jensen tremble, hears the groan that's pressed into his skin.

Neither of them moves for a little while, Jared's heart thundering in his chest. Jensen loosens his grip on him, pulls his hands slowly out from under Jared's clothes. He swipes his hand up Jared's back, then down again.

"You good?"

"Fucking fantastic," Jared says with a breathless laugh.

*

"It's fucking cold," Jared says. He opens his mouth, exhales, and watches the air puff out in a small cloud.

The porch light flickers as Jensen gets his keys in the lock of the front door.

"And our house is haunted," Jared adds.

Jensen laughs. "Yeah, okay. I'll keep you warm and safe, sweetheart, don't worry," he says and lets the door swing open. Sadie and Harley rush inside, wiggling past their legs, probably just as eager to get out of the cold.

Jared grins. "Gonna fight off ghosts for me, Jensen?"

"Yeah," Jensen says as they step in behind the dogs. He switches the light in the hallway on just as Jared shuts the front door behind them. "You can stay safely in a ring of salt and I'll take care of the monsters."

"Such a good boyfriend," Jared coos and kicks of his shoes. Jensen gives him a look and Jared smiles sweetly, picking his boots up and placing them in the neat row of shoes under the coat rack. "Neat freak."

"Slob," Jensen returns. 

They finish struggling out of their coats and scarfs and then shuffle into the kitchen. It's late, just after 11pm, and dinner was hours ago. Jared's stomach is growling again, so he starts pulling out fixings for a sandwich.

"Want one?" he asks.

"Nah," Jensen says and pulls two bottles of beer from the fridge when Jared steps aside. 

Jensen places both open bottles next to Jared on the counter, his already a third drained, while Jared layers cheese and ham onto the slices of bread, and then he steps up behind Jared, sliding his arms around his waist. Hands brushing over Jared's stomach, he nuzzles Jared's neck.

"I wanted to ask you something, sweetheart."

"Okay," Jared says, not stopping preparing his food. "Shoot."

"I know it's only been, like, three weeks," Jensen says, tightening his arms for a moment.

"Oh my god, Jensen," Jared says dramatically. "You can't propose yet. Three weeks – people will think I'm easy. And I at least deserve a nice romantic dinner with candlelight and roses."

Jensen chuckles against his neck. "Asshole," he says. "Be serious for a second?"

Jared puts the final piece of bread on top of his sandwich, presses down on it to squish it all together, and then twists around in Jensen's arms.

"You have my full attention, Mr. Ackles, Sir," he says. 

Jensen rolls his eyes, but he's grinning, and leans up for a quick kiss. "It's about Thanksgiving."

"I'm all ears," Jared says, winding his arms around Jensen's neck.

"How mad would your parents be if you didn't come home for the holidays?" Jensen asks, looking at him.

"Why? You got a better offer?"

"Hmm, I was thinking you and me, a cabin somewhere here in BC," Jensen suggests, and Jared doesn't need to hear more to know he's going to say yes, regardless of what his parents will think. 

"I don't know. It's warm and nice in Texas," he teases anyway.

Jensen tips his head back a little and grins. "Exactly. We'll go up north, somewhere with snow. Get a cozy little cabin, with nobody else around."

"Will there be a roaring fire and a bearskin rug in front of it?" Jared mocks. 

"Not sure you deserve that kind of romance if you're just going to make fun of me," Jensen replies.

Jared gives him his best hurt look and yelps when Jensen pinches his side. "Ow."

"Sorry," Jensen says, not sounding sorry at all, but he kisses Jared's jaw and Jared forgives him. "So what do you say? No bearskin rugs, I promise. I thought we could go skiing, actually. Just relax for a little while."

"Sounds good," Jared admits. "More than good."

"Hmm. And our families will see us on Christmas after all," Jensen says. 

"Yeah. They'll understand," Jared says. "So, can I eat my sandwich now?"

"Don't let me keep you. Wouldn't want you to starve to death."

"It was a close call. I feel pretty damn faint already," Jared says solemnly.

*

Jared moans when Jensen flicks his tongue over his nipple, before sealing his mouth around it. His hand curls more tightly around Jared's cock, jerking him off slowly.

"Babe," Jared pants. "Babe, stop. Can we-- I want--"

His brain is going a hundred miles a minute and he can't quite focus enough to get the right words out, his hips arching up helplessly into Jensen's hands.

"Can we what?" Jensen asks, lifting his head up.

Jared blinks, waits for his head to clear a little, before he speaks, "I want you. Now. Please?"

"Are you sure?" Jensen asks. He pulls his hand out from Jared's underwear, palming his hip instead. "We don't have to."

"I want to," Jared presses. "If we go to a cabin, there's _no way_ we won't be having sex. I want to do it here, in our bed, for the first time."

"Your bed."

"Our bed, jerk," Jared says. "And it's been three fucking weeks. You can die from blue balls, you know?"

"You can't. And you've been getting off plenty," Jensen says exasperatedly, a smile playing around his lips. "And you know that this whole 'doing it in our bed for the first time' thing is really, really cheesy?"

"Yeah," Jared says and shrugs, not even a little embarrassed by it. He's always been cheesy and Jensen knew that going in – and Jared isn't the one who suggested a trip to a remote cabin together, so he figures he can be as damn cheesy as he wants to be and Jensen has no room to tease him about it. 

Jensen's expression softens and he kisses Jared, slow and gently. "Okay," he says. "So, uh, how do you wanna do this?"

"I was thinking maybe you do… you do me," Jared says.

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Really?"

Jared nods. "Unless you don't like topping? Do you?"

"I'm good with either," Jensen says and rubs his hip comfortingly. "I just figured you might want to be on top, at least at first."

"Jensen, I told you, I really don't have any issues with having sex with a guy. I'm actually a really big fan so far," Jared says with a small smile. "I want to, okay? I've never been with a guy, you have – it makes more sense that you go first… And I _really_ want you inside me."

"Fuck, okay. Yeah," Jensen breathes. He places a kiss onto Jared's lips, his chin, his jaw. His fingers slide under the waistband of Jared's underwear again, tugging it down, and Jared lifts his hips.

Jensen has to sit back to take them all of the way off, and Jared shudders when he pulls the sheets away with him, leaving him exposed to the chilly air. 

"So pretty," Jensen murmurs and runs a hand up Jared's thighs, all the way to his waist. "So fucking big, everywhere."

"Jen," Jared groans. 

Jensen smirks at him. He strips off his own underwear, and gets lube and a condom from the bedside drawer. He drops both on the bed, before he positions himself between Jared's splayed legs.

"Patience," he murmurs. "Just let me take care of you. I'll make it good, okay?"

"Yeah, I know you will," Jared agrees and hums when Jensen places a kiss on his chest, slowly dragging his lips down his stomach. His hands stroke Jared's sides, smoothing over skin, and Jared relaxes back into the mattress. 

Jensen completely forgoes his dick, moves down to press soft kisses to the inside of Jared's thighs instead.

Nerves and anticipation coil in Jared's stomach when Jensen picks up the lube. The snick of the bottle being opened is loud in the silence of the room, and Jensen keeps scattering kisses against Jared's skin. When a slick, wet finger slides past his balls, over his perineum and farther back between his cheeks, Jared gasps. The touch sends sparks up his spine and he lets his legs fall open wider, silently asking for more.

"You ever tried anything like this with a girl?" Jensen asks, rubbing his finger over Jared's hole. "Or touch yourself there yourself?"

"No—no girl," Jared stutters. "I have."

"Fuck, wanna see that one day, baby," Jensen murmurs, and Jared moans his agreement, unable to form words, as Jensen starts to work his finger in. There's a moment where Jared just feels the slight pressure and then Jensen pushes past the ring of muscles. Slowly, he sinks in deeper, and it's just _one_ finger, but it feels amazing. 

Jared's never tried more than two fingers and he wonders if Jensen can tell, because he prepares him slowly, carefully. Gives Jared time to get used to the feeling, to relax around him, as he slides first one, then two, then three fingers in and out, curling them inside of Jared until Jared is all slick and loose. He keeps his mouth busy too, sucking and biting at Jared's thighs, his hips, licking up his cock and letting his tongue swirl around the head when Jared tenses up a little at the third finger.

"Like that, baby," he encourages when Jared rocks down on him, sheets twisted in his hands, pleasure burning through his veins. "So pretty. So fucking pretty for me."

"More, please," Jared moans.

"Yeah?" Jensen asks. He pulls his fingers almost all the way out then pushes them back in, repeats the motion a few more times. Jared feels his thumb teasing against his rim, pressing but not slipping inside.

Jensen pulls his fingers out then, and Jared makes a disgruntled noise at the loss, even though he knows what's coming, knows it'll be even better.

"Turn around. Hands and knees, okay?" Jensen instructs. 

Jared gives a shaky nod, even though he wants nothing more than to do this face to face, see Jensen's expression when he fucks him. But he knows it's supposed to be easier like this for the first time, and Jensen isn't exactly small.

He turns around and pushes himself up onto his hands and knees, his muscles already shaking. 

He shudders when he feels the tip of Jensen's cock nudging against his entrance, cold and wet with lube.

"Tell me if it's too much," Jensen says, and Jared can only nod.

It's different than he expected. It doesn't _not_ hurt, but Jared knew it would, and it's more like a burn that sweeps through him like a slow fire, pain mingling with pleasure, with excitement. It feels intense, having Jensen sink into him slowly, filling him, so much bigger than his fingers were. 

Jared tries to keep breathing, small noises falling from his parted lips. 

Jensen is silent, just panting quietly, until he's all the way inside, hips flush against Jared's ass. "Shit," he hisses then, voice strained, like he's trying hard to keep control.

Jared whimpers, dropping his head, damp strands of hair falling into his face. "Move," he says. "You can move, Jen."

"Oh fuck," Jensen groans and then pulls back just a little, rocks back in. He's careful, like he's trying to see how Jared will react, and the small burst of pleasure and the pain of the stretch have Jared moaning.

"You feel so good around me. So tight," Jensen pants and rolls his hips again. "Does it feel good, baby?"

"Yeah. Fuck, yeah," Jared says. 

"Yeah," Jensen agrees. His hands grip Jared's hips, fingers digging into Jared's skin. With each thrust, he pushes in a little harder, a little deeper, drawing little noises from Jared that mingle with Jensen's own moans, getting sharper and needier. Each drag of Jensen's cock against his prostate makes a pleasure so sharp shoot through him, Jared swears he sees stars. 

Jensen keeps murmuring things to him. Praises about how he feels, how he looks, how _good_ he is, that have Jared blushing and squirming.

"You're taking me so well. So fucking perfect, sweetheart," Jensen says. And, "Prettiest thing I've ever seen. Stretched so wide for me, baby, so beautiful."

It's different from anything else he's ever experienced. More intense – the feeling of being filled, of having Jensen buried inside of him, gripping him tight and fucking him deep and murmuring filthy things to him, almost overwhelming.

When Jared comes, he does so with a small cry of Jensen's name, his whole body shaking and shuddering as he falls apart. He's barely aware of Jensen coming as well, things hazy and blissful, but then Jensen's weight presses him down into the mattress and Jared becomes aware of their labored breaths and the cool air that's making his bare, sweaty skin pebble.

"Fuck," he says, his voice hoarse and a little awed.

Jensen kisses the shell of his ear, hums. "Thank you, baby," he whispers, and then carefully rolls them onto their sides.

*

Jared slips out of the bed quietly, trying not to disturb Jensen.

The floor is freezing under his bare feet, the air cold, and Jared hisses a little, goosebumps breaking out on his skin. From the bottom of the bed, he grabs the afghan that's still folded but pushed back against the foot board, and wraps it around him before he sneaks into the bedroom.

The cabin is quiet, not a sound filtering in from outside either, and Jared yawns when the bathroom door shuts behind him. He drops the blanket long enough to empty his bladder and goes to wash his hands.

When he sees himself in the mirror his eyes widen and he can't help the little laugh that falls from his lips. Jared has had plenty of good sex in his life, but he's never seen himself look so well-fucked. 

They cleaned up a little last night before falling asleep, so at least there's that, but his hair is a mess and there are bite-marks and hickeys scattered over his chest, stomach and thighs, and finger-shaped bruises on his hips. 

"God," he mutters, but the smile doesn't leave his lips and his stomach flutters warmly. He doubts Jensen is looking much better – Jared was gripping him so tightly when Jensen was riding him last night, Jared would have worried he was seriously hurting him if it hadn't been for the fact that Jensen had been moaning and moving on top of him.

Finishing drying his hands, Jared wraps himself back up in the blanket and tiptoes back into the small bedroom. Instead of heading back to bed though, he walks up to the window and rests his elbows on the windowsill, looking out. 

Outside, everything is blanketed in white, big flakes still coming down heavily. He can see a couple of other cabins, but they're far off in the distance, peeking out between snow-covered trees. It's pretty. Quiet, in the way things rarely are in their lives, and Jared soaks it all in for a few moments.

"What are you doing?" Jensen's voice is gruff with sleep, as he slides his arms around Jared, pulling him back against his chest.

"Just looking," Jared says.

"'s fucking cold," Jensen murmurs, resting his head against Jared's shoulder.

"Join me under the blanket then," Jared suggest, wiggling his shoulder a little to jostle Jensen.

"Or you could come back to bed with me," Jensen counters.

"In a moment," Jared says. He hears Jensen sigh, but then Jensen shuffles around, worming himself between Jared and the window, and Jared unwraps the afghan around him long enough to cover both of them with it. Instead of facing the window, Jensen faces Jared, sliding his arms around him, and rests his head on his shoulder again and yawns against his neck.

"I'm fucking sore," he admits.

Jared laughs. "Yeah," he agrees, and feels Jensen grin against his skin.

"We should do this every Thanksgiving."

"Think you're still gonna be up for this a few years from now, old man?" Jared teases.

Jensen snorts. "I'm feeling too damn good right now to let myself be goaded by you," he says. One of his hand trails from Jared's back down to the curve of his ass, running over it once before palming it. "And I'm pretty sure you're still gonna get me blindingly hard even when I'm eighty, sweetheart."

Jared smiles and kisses Jensen's hair. "I love you, too," he says quietly.

Jensen sighs and then tips his head back, grins a little. "God, I turned you really fucking gay, didn't I?"

"The gayest," Jared confirms. 

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Jared says. "But I think you should take me back to bed now, just to make sure it stays that way."

"You're an idiot," Jensen says and reaches up, smoothing Jared's hair back. 

"Probably, yeah," Jared agrees, and Jensen smiles.

"I love you anyway," he says, quietly. Sincerely. Jared's stomach tingles warmly, heart beating strongly in his chest.

"You better," he murmurs. He kisses Jensen and thinks he's never been more grateful for anything in his life than this.


End file.
